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Archive for the ‘candy bars’ Category

For years the Japanese (despite losing the Second World War) have enjoyed various different flavours of Kit-Kat while we here in the UK, where the damn thing was invented, have struggled on with the ‘entry level’ milk chocolate variety, oh of course we get the odd limited edition dark chocolate or orange chocolate variety, but those Kit-Kat Krazy Japanese dudes get to swan around tucking into all sorts of exotic, fun and downright vile flavours of Kit-Kat.

Why these varieties have never been officially been released to the UK public is beyond me, hell, I’ve even written to Nestle, (they bought Rowntree back in the 80’s corperate take over and merger fans) to demand answers! Of course they tried to fob me off with the ‘ahhh you get orange now and again, now piss off” response.

So I’ve been sitting in Belfast, on the internet, looking at pictures of Japanese Kit-Kats and dreaming about crème brulee and Lemon Cheesecake Kit-Kats while wasting my life and then bam! My mate Jar (who teaches in Japan) comes back home at Christmas and hits me up with this:

IMG_20170217_225226_705.jpg

A Melon, thats right, fucking Melon, flavoured Kit-Kat. I save this for a suitable date. A half day at work on a wet miserable February afternoon, no finer time. I’m getting me some of this.

First difference between this and a boring old european Kit-Kat, is the packaging. We get that little foil bag that you rip, while this comes in a beautiful cardboard box. I still miss the tin foil and paper sleeve, very satisfying ripping that. Anyway, inside the box is three individual foil packets and on opening each packet you are presented with two fingers of Kit-Kat. So that means six fingers per pack! Now, before anybody starts screaming “With Brexit we can take back control of our Kit-Kats and get six fingers in a packet!” You need to be made aware that the fingers are much smaller. Which is kinda odd. But I can dig it. They still look like Kit-Kat fingers.

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Needs banana for scale.

As you can see this melon Kit-Kat is, well, slightly yellow. It looks like a white chocolate Kit-Kat (ahhh limited edition ahhh). It feels like a Kit-Kat, has the consistency and texture of a Kit-kat but tastes like…. A fickin’ melon! It’s damn melon. This is awesome, this is ridiculous, this is brilliant, it’s a melon with a consistency of chocolate, and regular wafer too of course. This is fantastic, we are missing out. Write to your MP! Take to the streets! Protest at Nestle! Demand more interesting Kit-Kats. With Trump, Brexit, Russian hackers (alledged), Sexy North Korean Assassinesses and the ongoing threat of nuclear annihilation you deserve a Brown Suger flavoured Kit-Kat.  I honestly can’t get over how great this is, lucky for me I’ve got a Green Tea one hidden in the kitchen for the next shitty afternoon I’m off work.

Oh yes and…

  • Kit-Kats hit Japan in 1973
  • Most popular ‘wacky’ flavour is Soy Sauce. Soy Sauce. Let that sink in, Soy Fucking Sauce.
  • Kit Kat kinda a little bit translates to “you will surley win” in Japanese.
  • There have been over 300 limited edition Kit-Kat variates in Japan.

This is my mate Jar’s website: https://ikimasho.net/

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The custard cream is the most durable hard working biscuit in the history of biscuits. Who doesn’t like a custard cream? A Bastard, that’s who. You show me somebody who doesn’t like a custard cream and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t know a good biscuit (or someone who takes personal health seriously, one of the two). I’m a long time fan of the ‘cream, it is a very versatile biscuit. It’s good on it’s own, it’s good with tea, it’s good with coffee, it’s not over powering, pretentious, offensive or obscene. There’s no need for fancy wrappers or promotions, when was the last time you saw an advert on telly for Custard Creams? No needed, not like Foxes and their range of ‘biscuits of the future’ It’s an all round timeless, faultless biscuit. Fact.

The amazing thing you can do with a custard cream, and you’ve all done it, don’t try and deny it, is to pick out the custard cream filling (using either a piece of cutlery or a dirty finger nail) and enjoy that processed crud on it’s own. One of my favourite things to eat when I was a teenager was a custard cream sandwich. Get two slices of white toast, layer it with custard creams and get tore in. Some people might think that’s a bit weird or gross, but to hell with them. Having the biscuit bit in the sandwich wasn’t ideal, but who had time to pick out all that filling and put it on toast? This was back in the late 80’s and I was busy playing Dungeons and Dragons computer games and listening to Man-o-war. There wasn’t time to dissect a whole packet of yellow pack custard creams, and like hell anybody else was going to do it for me.

Thankfully though I wasn’t the only nutjob fantasising about vats of processed sugary custard cream flavoured goo because the good people at Tesco have come up with this:

DSC_0005_4

I hope it’s never discontinued. Ever.

It is heaven in a jar. It is custard cream filling. In a jar. IN A JAR. And it is versatile. Here’s some of the uses of this fine product:

  1. Eat it out the jar using a spoon like the animal you are. In a pinch you could even use a finger.
  2. Get two Digestives, Rich Tea, Penguins (could get messy) or any combination of biscuit and work away. You can’t fail here. Cream in the middle and then bam!
  3. Two wholemeal crackers. It’s like a healthy custard cream, practically one of your five a day. Crackers. Yep, get two Tuc crackers and fill the middle with Custard Cream, now you have a savoury custard cream. Want to gross it up? – Use a pre-made Tuc sandwich! You get the strange creamy cheese bit, your own custard cream bit and another Tuc on top. Three layers of Tuc, one of cheese and one of custard cream.
  4. Put it on bread. Not very exciting, but it is good. Very good.
  5. The jar says something about waffles. Probably not the Birds Eye ones from Iceland. Although I bet that would be alright.
  6. Do what you want with it. It’s that good.
DSC_0011_4

Between an oatmeal cracker and a Tuc Sandwich? – It’s impossible to make Custard Cream Spread gross.

Oh and there is a Bourbon one too. I intend to mix them together as soon as I get the house to myself.

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The Balaton

This must be one popular bar because it’s available everywhere in Budapest. The Balaton is named after the biggest lake in Hungary and has been sold for donkeys years. It’s now made by the hated by right on hippies Multinational Nestle, who bought the rights to make this product from Hungarian company Győri Keksz Kft a few years back, these fellas have been pumping out the biccys and choccys to hungry Hungarians since around 1900 and are still at it today. The Balaton was very popular in communist times and still popular today. Word is it hasn’t changed a bit either. Think big assed finger of Kit-Kat but with (a lot) thinner chocolate and (a lot) more wafer. It is just ‘alright’, In defence though it is sweet, tasty and low on crumbs – I can see why it was popular behind the Iron Curtain.

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In recent years the range has been expanded to include the Balaton Bumm, not sure what that is but it is fucking funny. There was a few different types and sizes, including one known as Balaton Bumm. I opted for the regular, well it does have ‘Minden 4. nyer’ plastered across the front of it. I thought this might be the price in Hungarian, but no. A quick google translate shows this to be “all 4 win”. This bar is not a winner. This bar is a disappointment. The Balaton is just wafer and chocolate, it’s so dull and pointless I am surprised it hasn’t been available here for years. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad, it’s just boring. It’s very similar, obviously, to the Cadbrurys Wafer Bar and that’s no bad thing. I just expected something a bit more wacky from my Hungarian all 4 winning chums.

Yes, I've set it on my coaster, and that's a coffee ring.  I'm vile.

Yes, I’ve set it on my coaster, and that’s a coffee ring. I’m vile.

The Kapucíner

Made by the completely unpronucable Ízvilág company this is a choccy bar with a coffee and cream filled centre. It’s made with real coffee and has been keeping Hungarian kids pepped up for years. It’s an acquired taste; in that if you don’t like coffee you wont like this. I do like coffee therefore I do love this.

kapuciner-szelet-500x500

cool pic, you can tell I didn’t take it.

Vadasz

Not to be confused with the Birmingham punk band Valdez. This is a small 25g Chocolate bar with an alcohol infused fondant filling. Unlike Valdez who where a political punk band. It’s available in several different flavours; there’s sour cherry, sour cream and chocolate cherry (not mention of anything sour in that one). The only one I could get was the Sour Cream one. It’s better than it sounds, the word ‘sour’ seems to imply something different different in Central/Eastern Europe. Like Polish Sour Soup, if you saw ‘Sour Soup’ on a menu here you would avoid it because it sounds rank. But in Poland it’s a national dish, and take it from me, it is amazing.

DSC_0003

But enough about sour soup, back to the sour cream and alcohol chocolate bar. So according to Google Translate the flavour of sour cream is reminiscent of the Black Forest and that works for me, the alcohol in the bar is cherry based and the alcohol contents is around 2%, so it’s probably possible to get bolloxed on these, but you would probably die of hyper obesity or diabetes before you got the courage to make a drunken pass at a lány. So the Green bar is Sour Cream (with Cherry based alcohol) and the red bar is Sour Cherry. Not sure how they are different but if I ever see the red bar in the BelfastABC (Hungarian shop, Great Victoria Street) or get back to Hungary – you’ll be the first bastards to know.

It's kinda small. Should really use a banana for scale.

It’s kinda small. Should really use a banana for scale.

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Belfast has a Hungarian Supermarket! Who knew? The cities Hungarians obviously. Now, not only does it carry all kind of Hungarian gear it also has a lot of Slovakian and Czech stuff. This was my first visit and I decided to stick with Hungarian stuff.

First up, Hungarian Horse Sausage. Remember when everybody shit themselves because they may have accidentally eaten horse meat instead of proper bits of cows innards scraped of the slaughter floor and mashed into a burger shape? Well now you skip out the cows eyelids and go straight to the horse leftovers. Turns out horse meat is no big deal in Hungary and horse sausage takes pride of place in the chiller. I got two lengths (like your mother at the weekend) and it cost about £1.80 (opportunity for 2nd mum joke goes here). It’s cooked (smoked, cured or something) and ready to go. Taste wise it is a bit like venison, slightly sweeter and a bit stringy and rather chewy. There is also a good bit of paprika in here and that gives it a strange dark red colour inside. It’s good though and some healthy eating website says it’s high in protein and low in fat and ‘not bad for you’.

Horse sausage (includes lard).

Horse sausage (includes lard).

The Curd Cheesecake desert, word is this is wild popular round Budapest and the nice people in the shop asked me if I wanted to try one, I was a bit sceptical at first (and this from the guy who just selected two huge lengths of horse sausage), but holy shit! This is easily one of the tastiest things I have ever tasted! Why are we not eating these all of the time? Why is this not popular the world over? This chocolate covered sweet roll of whatever is so awesome I bought three packets. That’s 18 bars of tasty goodness. Now, research tells me that the Turo Rudi, as the Hungarians call it, is made slightly differently for us Capitalism loving westeners, our version is apparently sweeter and comes with milk chocolate instead of dark. Also it’s not chocolate, it’s cocoa powder, hydrogenated vegetable fat, sugar and butter, and several grams of trans fat” Thanks widipedia. There’s strawberry filled, apricot filled and plain. Each one is awesome. This will become a regular purchase.

AMAZING!

AMAZING!

I asked for some recommendation in the canned department, and was show to this:

At this point it looks alright.

At this point it looks alright.

“Put it on bread, grill some cheese on top and it’s lovely, Hungarians love it, its my favourite” – SOLD. I wasn’t sure what to expect here. The picture on the label showed some nice burger meat on crusty bread with cheese and a bit onion. I’ll have a crack at recreating that. But first how do I cook it? The directions are in Hungarian. I tried google translate but maybe I messed up or something got lost in translation but the translation came out “grill in oven bake” or words to that effect. I had a bit of a poke around the internet and the general (translated) suggestions seemed to be oven baking.

Cat food?  slope?  I was having second thoughts.  Trust me, it looks better when cooked.

Cat food? slope? I was having second thoughts. Trust me, it looks better when cooked.

Opening the can I had second thoughts, things did not look good. It was a red mush, I’m no stranger to odd stuff in cans but this was not pleasant looking at all. This was also a damn big can. I emptied it onto two bits of crusty bread and stuffed in the oven. I now had two rather ample piles of funny coloured red animal by product on top of bread. I wasn’t convinced by this. I probably should have did a bit more research because it turns out this can feeds about 8 and it should be spread thinly, between 2mm and 4mm. I had about 6cms. Baking in the oven turned the stuff a more pleasant browny cooked looked colour. Things where looking up. I melted the cheese on top, added a bit of ketchup and was ready to go! I bit in and two things happened, first I burnt my mouth, tongue, lips, throat and face. The stuff (that’s all I can call it) inside was still rather sloppy as well as incredibly hot, and since it’s sloppy and I have way more piled on the bread than the world advises it immediately fell off the back of the bread and spilt down my shirt and squirted all over my hands. I’m glad I was on my own because I now resembled a 8 month only child trying to eat a red/brown ice cream sandwich (but with more swearing). Disasters aside, this stuff is actually really good, remember those Heinz Toast Topper things? This is it, only in a bigger can! It’s also available in pizza variety and Mexican. I’ll be getting those.

Finally comes Hungary’s number one candy bar. This is it, this is their Twix, their Mars bar, their Snickers. Fifty Six million of these things are sold every year. Back in the socialist days the company struggled to keep up with demand, so much so that factory managers ended up working in the packing department. These things have been around for over 60 years. But Sport is a weird name for a chocolate bar. Turns out this bar was made to celebrate the opening of the Ferenc Puskás Stadium in Hungary, that’s where Hungary plays it’s home football games, and Queen and AC/DC have also played there, oh and it’s also where England suffered their worst (yet) defeat, being battered by 7-1 by Hungary. But back to the bar. It’s small and looks more like one of those health bars you see these days, you know those protein bars and the slimming world bars, that kinda muck. It’s soft and chewy and also, for some reason, has a rum flavoured fondant type filling which makes this a full on chocotastic rum infused Chomp.

The King of Hungarian confectionery.

The King of Hungarian confectionery.

Plenty more available in the shop and I’ll be back for more. Busting to try some of the Slovakian stuff too.

http://www.belfastabc.com – one hell of a great shop.

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At last! Processed chocolate dairy slices, in the format of a processed cheese slice. Who hasn’t dreamt of this magical coupling? Most people probably. Thankfully the good people at Tesco share my dream and came up with this:

Boke, Foul, Hell - Facebook people.

Boke, Foul, Hell – Facebook people.

I posted a picture of this on facebook and the responses where not great, the public it seems, are not impressed; “Looks, and sounds rank”, “I think I just puked in my mouth” and so on. Not a great start.

The most important question, and one the people at Tesco Research and Development probably didn’t ask was “What are you supposed to do with this?” My pal Catface suggested “ruining a good burger”.  And aside from that I was struggling to think of a use.

So what is this shit?

According to the back of the packet, it’s a ‘Processed chocolate dairy slice made with a blend of chocolate, milk proteins and vegetable oil’ – So there’s no cheese, but there is vegetable oil, so it could potentially count towards your five, sorry 7, a day.

And it tastes like?

Chocolate milk shake. Fact. These things are brilliant, absolutely brilliant. To all the naysayers I say; “You’re missing out!” This is a fantastic product, and one the world has needed. More things need to come in processed cheese style format. Banoffee, Southern Fried Chicken, Eggs Benedict etc.

And what disguising ideas have I got for this?

Since biscuits have been banned by the other half I’m struggling, I’ve had to improvise with things like Rice Cakes, which taste like dry cardboard. Unwrap one of these fellas and slap it on a rice cake! Marginal improvement. Well I paid for them so I better use them. Apart from that I can’t think of any other use for this by product of the Tesco Chemical Engineering department. It would be rubbish on toast because jars of chocolate spread are so much more awesome.

It's hard to make a rice cake tasty or look good.  Best I could do.

It’s hard to make a rice cake tasty or look good. Best I could do.

 

Will this be bought again? – If I can think of any other uses for it then yes.  But in the meantime I’ll sit on the couch unwrapping the remaining 6 slices and shoveling them in.  It’s good, but processed chocolate can be done so much better.

 

And…

1.  Catface plays in No Matter.  They’re good: http://www.nomatterband.com/

2. I got a bottle of Algerian Sarsaparilla.

3. Level 49 in Skrim – Sniff that!

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I love mixing chocolate and crisps, but it takes so much effort, opening two packets and trying to cram both a crisp and a block of chocolate in your mouth and all that, it’s hard work. Thankfully the good people at Tayto Ireland have had a stab at combining the two. These bars where released as a limited edition a few months ago and the release was met with equal measures of vile, disgust, and interest. I was packing interest. It was hard work getting hold of a bar, what with Irish Tayto products difficult to in Proddy areas of County Antrim. I had to get somebody to bring me one up from Dublin! After ripping into the packaging and cramming a piece into my cakehole I was immediately disappointed, I was expecting good sized chucks of crisp mixed in with the milk chocolate. Instead it was tiny wee specks and that meant little to no flavour. I call this a missed opportunity. What could have been a crunchy yet smooth, sweet yet savoury flavoursome bar became a tame chocolate bar with tiny bits of crisp. But there’s no need to throw the rope up yet, because you can make your own! Dead easy! Get a block of baking chocolate, melt it in a pot, pour in a bag of crisps and let that shit harden. Job done. Add grated cheese for extra grossness/awesomeness.

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I demand a Kit Kat.

I’m fed up with it. Fed up with going to the sweetie isle and seeing the same shit. I bored of Mars bars and Starbars and plain old Kit Kats. I want one of the them cool as fuck odd ball Japanese Kit Kats. The Sweet Potato or Banana or whatever.

So since my mate in Japan, Jar has failed to deliver on the promised wacky Kit Kat and I can’t afford to go to Japan I thought it was time for action, soI emailed Nestle. You would think with all the bad publicity they get they would be happy to help a potential happy customer out. I thought this was how supply and demand worked. I demand, they supply, I give money and they make profit and then skin a baby deer and drink the blood (or whatever the board of Nestle do). Here was a chance for Nestle to make amends for all the Monty Burns-esque evil deeds they get up too, you know the demanding all that money from Ethiopia during the 2002 famine (they eventually dropped the claim good on em – that‘s nice). Then there was the promotion of their Infant Formula over breast milk around the world which resulted in the (still going) Nestle Boycott. I’d have a crack at boycotting a huge multi-national corporation like that, but have a look at all the brands they own, it would be very difficult and you would be ruling out a lot of cool stuff. It’s difficult to dodge multi-nationals, they’re all guilty of something, if you can‘t beat em‘ join em and all that. Oh and there’s the E-coli, the horse meat, the palm oil, the wrecking of monkey houses, the price fixing and who can forget that bloke saying water as a basic human right was a bit ‘extreme‘. Seriously, does this company influence Monty Burns or does he influence them? What a bunch of shits!

But here’s me, holding out the olive branch and looking to make friends with the evil multinational. All I want is a Soy Sauce Kit Kat. I’m not even keen on Soy Sauce but I like the idea of a Soy Sauce Kit-Kat. I’ll even pay for it, and more importantly; I’ll tell everybody that Nestle are DEAD ON THESE DAYS. So I emailed Nestle, not demanding, just asking, politely, for a few of the more interesting product lines to be made available, here was the reply I got back:

“Unfortunately we do not sell every flavour of Kit Kat here in the UK. We do a lot of research into our brands and have found that consumers’ tastes vary a great deal between different countries and cultures.

The Kit Kat team are constantly reviewing the range of flavours we offer in the UK and this includes looking at what is available in other markets. Our recent Choose a Chunky Champion promotion invited consumers to try mint, fudge, coconut and hazelnut and vote for their favourite flavour. The mint flavour won so it will become a permanent line. Peanut Butter became a permanent line following the promotion the year before.

I can assure you that your comments have been noted and will be highlighted to the Kit Kat team ready for future development meetings.

PEANUT BUTTER? MINT? There is FUCK ALL exciting or even interesting about those flavours. I’m 37, I’ve been having those flavours for donkeys years. Aero – mint. Fry’s cream – mint and those have been going for years. Even my mum is bored with mint flavoured things and she’s old as the hills! Come on Nestle, pull the finger out, I bet I’m not the only wack-job in Europe looking for a bit more action in the Kit Kat department. Even Tayto Ireland have cobbled together a chocolate and cheese and onion crisp bar. Do you want to be out done by the confectionary version of a drunk student with limited cooking skills? No, of course not, sack the marketing department, give a product development a slap and lets have some White chocolate Espresso Kit Kats available down the Spar. I bet Rowntree’s would have. Okay maybe they wouldn’t, even dark chocolate was outlandish at Rowntrees.

Here’s a picture of some cool Kit Kat shit:

This is better than mint for many reasons.

This is better than mint for many reasons.

 

I'd pick this over a Wholenut Dairymilk any day.

I’d pick this over a Wholenut Dairymilk any day.

 

And here:

http://lolsnaps.com/news/23014/0/

and

http://lolsnaps.com/news/22398/0/

 

 

Admit it, your interested.

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