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Posts Tagged ‘canned food.’

Five or Six years ago I was lucky enough to visit THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS, one of the most amazing sights I saw there, aside from people wearing actual ten gallon hats and seeing steaks the size of a small child was being able to buy turkey sausages with bits of cheese inside. Seriously, that was a thing. It was also a thing I had to buy. Vicky put up a spirited fight, but there was no way I was going to let such a gastronomic wonder pass me by, it’s not like anywhere else on the planet is going to permit such a pairing of processed meat and processed dairy? Right? Wrong.

This is what the Turkey and Cheese Sausages looked like:

What a time to be alive!  Cheese?  In a Turkey sausage?

What a time to be alive! Cheese? In a Turkey sausage?

One of my friends even commented that “they where almost sick in their mouth” upon seeing this delight.

Six years later, back in the UK, I had given up all hope of ever finding such a travesty of processed animal by-product. But then I spotted these in the Polish section of Tesco. Costing a quid, this product is labelled as ‘best quality’ and if it says that on the label then this homogenised smoked cooked pork sausage with cheese and added soya protein must obviously be of best quality. Well the 77% pork leg must be anyway.

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My cookery teacher, a horrible shrew of a woman who did very little teaching and an awful lot of talking to other teachers, once screamed “The first taste is with the eyes now put that masher down you little shit, you’ll never amount to anything” and upon looking this shit my first thought was that this reminds me of what a human brain looks like. It’s a similar colour and what I imagine to be a similar texture. But I’ve never been one to shy away from a horrible colour or vile texture. I’m all set to tuck in.

I cut one in half and took a picture, the next day I took this picture into work and showed it to people, I asked my work colleagues what they thought it was. People reacted with what I can only call ‘shock and awe’. Asking things like:

  1. Is that pus?
  2. How old is that?
  3. OMG what is that?
  4. Did you send that to environmental health?
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I’ll admit, this is not attractive.

I explained it was processed cheese inside a mini hot dog, nobody seemed impressed. I was impressed though. So what did they taste like? They tasted like tinned hot dogs with bits of processed cheese slice inside. What’s not to like? Obviously this is something I liked, that is despite the weird colour. So I would imagine that these sausages are:

Good for:

  • Increasing your chances of colon cancer
  • Taking photos off and freaking out your work mates
  • Making your standard hotdog a bit different

Bad for:

  • Everything else.
  • Long term health prospects

This fine product from ‘Henryk Kania’ is exported to to the UK for sale to cheese infused mini hotdog craving Polish expats and weird bastards like me. It’s available from big assed Tesco shops that have chilled Polish stuff and probably from Polish Supermarkets in dodgy provincial towns like Glengormly and Coleraine.

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Weird looking.

6/10 Would smuggle into the house again.

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If you’ve seen this blog before then you might know that I have a bit of a weakness for odd things in tins. On a recent browse of the old Home Bargains shelves I found something that really made me think twice.

 

I had to sneak these into the house and then hide them in the back of the cupboard, for fear that Vicky might bar me from entering the house with my canned treat or worse, find my prized tin and chuck it in the bin. I then had to wait until I had the house to myself to sample the delights within. My cunning rouge was rumbled though and the tin was found. I was allowed to keep it though as long as the following happened:

If this product is too disgusting for even me to get through I am not to throw it in the kitchen waste recycling bin. I am to place it in a biodegradable bag and take it straight out to the garden waste bin.

So, day off, waiting for the plumber to come and service the boiler (not a euphemism) and there’s no better time for my left over pigs organs. Rip open the tin and dump that gross slop into the pot. There’s that gross sucking noise you get when something cheap and unpleasant eventually splats out of a tin and then there’s the thump as the slop hits the pan. That’s the moment of regret right there. As the contents heat a smell starts to waft through the kitchen. I’ve smelt this odour before, it’s the zoo. It’s the monkey house to be exact. This is not pleasant. I don’t think it’s going to get any better….

Taste wise it’s the fatty greasy gravy that has the upper hand, that’s probably a good thing. The kidneys themselves are sliced nice and thin so there’s no danger of an unpleasantly strong piece of kidney, it’s all swamped by the gravy. Thankfully it’s only a small tin. I struggle through, one piss smelling piece of slaughterhouse leftovers at a time.

The odd thing is that this is not the worst thing I’ve found in a tin. That title still belongs to the mini burgers in onion gravy, where leftover bits of kidney where probably the better cuts of meat.

Pork Kidneys in gravy makes the never buy again list.

Next day I came downstairs and could still smell that rancid piss odour.

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Crap in a can.

Crap in a can.

I’ll not lie to you, this was unappealing from the off. Mini burgers, in onion gravy, in a can. What’s to like? Should a burger EVER be in a can? Something tells me no. But, like an Aftershock at 1am after a full days drinking you know it’s a bad idea and won’t end well, but you still buy it. Well that’s what I was thinking as I picked this from the shelf at B&M. How do you serve something like this? On the cover of the can they where in a wee bowl and that’s what I opted for. I opened the can and popped them out, gross bit number one. The gravy had the consistency of snot and the burgers looked more like some kind of dog treat. I checked the can to make sure this was fit for human consumption. It was. After a bit of heating I tucked in. The ‘mini burgers’ looked like reformed pork chops but at least they where burger coloured, sorta, they even had fake grilling lines on them, believe this was not a good look.  They actually looked worse than you see on the can.  The texture and taste could be described as cheap alternative to a Campbells meat ball, more like a Tesco value meatball. If you’ve forgotten what’s like (since most normal people stopped eating meat balls at 8 years old) then imaging soft gooey reformed processed slop. As vile as it sounds. The gravy didn’t taste like any gravy I know, it was thick ad gooey, like snot during a bad cold. The burgers tasted nothing like a burger. Again I rechecked the packaging for signs of dog food, but this was tragically still people food. I suffered the lot.  I struggled, it was hard work.  It was gross.

Later I went to the gym, this was unpleasant. My body was trying to sweat, but couldn’t. And I knew why. My pores where clogged with fake onion gravy. I could feel it. The gravy was trying to escape via the sweat pores in my skin. I didn’t think it was medically possible for a man to sweat cheap canned gravy, but I was. It was a horrible feeling. A horrible end to a horrible canned food experience.

Have I learnt from this? Oh no. There’s more gross stuff hidden at the back of the cupboard…

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