Posts Tagged ‘chocolate bar’

For years the Japanese (despite losing the Second World War) have enjoyed various different flavours of Kit-Kat while we here in the UK, where the damn thing was invented, have struggled on with the ‘entry level’ milk chocolate variety, oh of course we get the odd limited edition dark chocolate or orange chocolate variety, but those Kit-Kat Krazy Japanese dudes get to swan around tucking into all sorts of exotic, fun and downright vile flavours of Kit-Kat.

Why these varieties have never been officially been released to the UK public is beyond me, hell, I’ve even written to Nestle, (they bought Rowntree back in the 80’s corperate take over and merger fans) to demand answers! Of course they tried to fob me off with the ‘ahhh you get orange now and again, now piss off” response.

So I’ve been sitting in Belfast, on the internet, looking at pictures of Japanese Kit-Kats and dreaming about crème brulee and Lemon Cheesecake Kit-Kats while wasting my life and then bam! My mate Jar (who teaches in Japan) comes back home at Christmas and hits me up with this:


A Melon, thats right, fucking Melon, flavoured Kit-Kat. I save this for a suitable date. A half day at work on a wet miserable February afternoon, no finer time. I’m getting me some of this.

First difference between this and a boring old european Kit-Kat, is the packaging. We get that little foil bag that you rip, while this comes in a beautiful cardboard box. I still miss the tin foil and paper sleeve, very satisfying ripping that. Anyway, inside the box is three individual foil packets and on opening each packet you are presented with two fingers of Kit-Kat. So that means six fingers per pack! Now, before anybody starts screaming “With Brexit we can take back control of our Kit-Kats and get six fingers in a packet!” You need to be made aware that the fingers are much smaller. Which is kinda odd. But I can dig it. They still look like Kit-Kat fingers.


Needs banana for scale.

As you can see this melon Kit-Kat is, well, slightly yellow. It looks like a white chocolate Kit-Kat (ahhh limited edition ahhh). It feels like a Kit-Kat, has the consistency and texture of a Kit-kat but tastes like…. A fickin’ melon! It’s damn melon. This is awesome, this is ridiculous, this is brilliant, it’s a melon with a consistency of chocolate, and regular wafer too of course. This is fantastic, we are missing out. Write to your MP! Take to the streets! Protest at Nestle! Demand more interesting Kit-Kats. With Trump, Brexit, Russian hackers (alledged), Sexy North Korean Assassinesses and the ongoing threat of nuclear annihilation you deserve a Brown Suger flavoured Kit-Kat.  I honestly can’t get over how great this is, lucky for me I’ve got a Green Tea one hidden in the kitchen for the next shitty afternoon I’m off work.

Oh yes and…

  • Kit-Kats hit Japan in 1973
  • Most popular ‘wacky’ flavour is Soy Sauce. Soy Sauce. Let that sink in, Soy Fucking Sauce.
  • Kit Kat kinda a little bit translates to “you will surley win” in Japanese.
  • There have been over 300 limited edition Kit-Kat variates in Japan.

This is my mate Jar’s website: https://ikimasho.net/


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The Balaton

This must be one popular bar because it’s available everywhere in Budapest. The Balaton is named after the biggest lake in Hungary and has been sold for donkeys years. It’s now made by the hated by right on hippies Multinational Nestle, who bought the rights to make this product from Hungarian company Győri Keksz Kft a few years back, these fellas have been pumping out the biccys and choccys to hungry Hungarians since around 1900 and are still at it today. The Balaton was very popular in communist times and still popular today. Word is it hasn’t changed a bit either. Think big assed finger of Kit-Kat but with (a lot) thinner chocolate and (a lot) more wafer. It is just ‘alright’, In defence though it is sweet, tasty and low on crumbs – I can see why it was popular behind the Iron Curtain.


In recent years the range has been expanded to include the Balaton Bumm, not sure what that is but it is fucking funny. There was a few different types and sizes, including one known as Balaton Bumm. I opted for the regular, well it does have ‘Minden 4. nyer’ plastered across the front of it. I thought this might be the price in Hungarian, but no. A quick google translate shows this to be “all 4 win”. This bar is not a winner. This bar is a disappointment. The Balaton is just wafer and chocolate, it’s so dull and pointless I am surprised it hasn’t been available here for years. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not bad, it’s just boring. It’s very similar, obviously, to the Cadbrurys Wafer Bar and that’s no bad thing. I just expected something a bit more wacky from my Hungarian all 4 winning chums.

Yes, I've set it on my coaster, and that's a coffee ring.  I'm vile.

Yes, I’ve set it on my coaster, and that’s a coffee ring. I’m vile.

The Kapucíner

Made by the completely unpronucable Ízvilág company this is a choccy bar with a coffee and cream filled centre. It’s made with real coffee and has been keeping Hungarian kids pepped up for years. It’s an acquired taste; in that if you don’t like coffee you wont like this. I do like coffee therefore I do love this.


cool pic, you can tell I didn’t take it.


Not to be confused with the Birmingham punk band Valdez. This is a small 25g Chocolate bar with an alcohol infused fondant filling. Unlike Valdez who where a political punk band. It’s available in several different flavours; there’s sour cherry, sour cream and chocolate cherry (not mention of anything sour in that one). The only one I could get was the Sour Cream one. It’s better than it sounds, the word ‘sour’ seems to imply something different different in Central/Eastern Europe. Like Polish Sour Soup, if you saw ‘Sour Soup’ on a menu here you would avoid it because it sounds rank. But in Poland it’s a national dish, and take it from me, it is amazing.


But enough about sour soup, back to the sour cream and alcohol chocolate bar. So according to Google Translate the flavour of sour cream is reminiscent of the Black Forest and that works for me, the alcohol in the bar is cherry based and the alcohol contents is around 2%, so it’s probably possible to get bolloxed on these, but you would probably die of hyper obesity or diabetes before you got the courage to make a drunken pass at a lány. So the Green bar is Sour Cream (with Cherry based alcohol) and the red bar is Sour Cherry. Not sure how they are different but if I ever see the red bar in the BelfastABC (Hungarian shop, Great Victoria Street) or get back to Hungary – you’ll be the first bastards to know.

It's kinda small. Should really use a banana for scale.

It’s kinda small. Should really use a banana for scale.

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At last! Processed chocolate dairy slices, in the format of a processed cheese slice. Who hasn’t dreamt of this magical coupling? Most people probably. Thankfully the good people at Tesco share my dream and came up with this:

Boke, Foul, Hell - Facebook people.

Boke, Foul, Hell – Facebook people.

I posted a picture of this on facebook and the responses where not great, the public it seems, are not impressed; “Looks, and sounds rank”, “I think I just puked in my mouth” and so on. Not a great start.

The most important question, and one the people at Tesco Research and Development probably didn’t ask was “What are you supposed to do with this?” My pal Catface suggested “ruining a good burger”.  And aside from that I was struggling to think of a use.

So what is this shit?

According to the back of the packet, it’s a ‘Processed chocolate dairy slice made with a blend of chocolate, milk proteins and vegetable oil’ – So there’s no cheese, but there is vegetable oil, so it could potentially count towards your five, sorry 7, a day.

And it tastes like?

Chocolate milk shake. Fact. These things are brilliant, absolutely brilliant. To all the naysayers I say; “You’re missing out!” This is a fantastic product, and one the world has needed. More things need to come in processed cheese style format. Banoffee, Southern Fried Chicken, Eggs Benedict etc.

And what disguising ideas have I got for this?

Since biscuits have been banned by the other half I’m struggling, I’ve had to improvise with things like Rice Cakes, which taste like dry cardboard. Unwrap one of these fellas and slap it on a rice cake! Marginal improvement. Well I paid for them so I better use them. Apart from that I can’t think of any other use for this by product of the Tesco Chemical Engineering department. It would be rubbish on toast because jars of chocolate spread are so much more awesome.

It's hard to make a rice cake tasty or look good.  Best I could do.

It’s hard to make a rice cake tasty or look good. Best I could do.


Will this be bought again? – If I can think of any other uses for it then yes.  But in the meantime I’ll sit on the couch unwrapping the remaining 6 slices and shoveling them in.  It’s good, but processed chocolate can be done so much better.



1.  Catface plays in No Matter.  They’re good: http://www.nomatterband.com/

2. I got a bottle of Algerian Sarsaparilla.

3. Level 49 in Skrim – Sniff that!

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I love mixing chocolate and crisps, but it takes so much effort, opening two packets and trying to cram both a crisp and a block of chocolate in your mouth and all that, it’s hard work. Thankfully the good people at Tayto Ireland have had a stab at combining the two. These bars where released as a limited edition a few months ago and the release was met with equal measures of vile, disgust, and interest. I was packing interest. It was hard work getting hold of a bar, what with Irish Tayto products difficult to in Proddy areas of County Antrim. I had to get somebody to bring me one up from Dublin! After ripping into the packaging and cramming a piece into my cakehole I was immediately disappointed, I was expecting good sized chucks of crisp mixed in with the milk chocolate. Instead it was tiny wee specks and that meant little to no flavour. I call this a missed opportunity. What could have been a crunchy yet smooth, sweet yet savoury flavoursome bar became a tame chocolate bar with tiny bits of crisp. But there’s no need to throw the rope up yet, because you can make your own! Dead easy! Get a block of baking chocolate, melt it in a pot, pour in a bag of crisps and let that shit harden. Job done. Add grated cheese for extra grossness/awesomeness.

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