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Posts Tagged ‘crap food’

Five or Six years ago I was lucky enough to visit THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS, one of the most amazing sights I saw there, aside from people wearing actual ten gallon hats and seeing steaks the size of a small child was being able to buy turkey sausages with bits of cheese inside. Seriously, that was a thing. It was also a thing I had to buy. Vicky put up a spirited fight, but there was no way I was going to let such a gastronomic wonder pass me by, it’s not like anywhere else on the planet is going to permit such a pairing of processed meat and processed dairy? Right? Wrong.

This is what the Turkey and Cheese Sausages looked like:

What a time to be alive!  Cheese?  In a Turkey sausage?

What a time to be alive! Cheese? In a Turkey sausage?

One of my friends even commented that “they where almost sick in their mouth” upon seeing this delight.

Six years later, back in the UK, I had given up all hope of ever finding such a travesty of processed animal by-product. But then I spotted these in the Polish section of Tesco. Costing a quid, this product is labelled as ‘best quality’ and if it says that on the label then this homogenised smoked cooked pork sausage with cheese and added soya protein must obviously be of best quality. Well the 77% pork leg must be anyway.

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My cookery teacher, a horrible shrew of a woman who did very little teaching and an awful lot of talking to other teachers, once screamed “The first taste is with the eyes now put that masher down you little shit, you’ll never amount to anything” and upon looking this shit my first thought was that this reminds me of what a human brain looks like. It’s a similar colour and what I imagine to be a similar texture. But I’ve never been one to shy away from a horrible colour or vile texture. I’m all set to tuck in.

I cut one in half and took a picture, the next day I took this picture into work and showed it to people, I asked my work colleagues what they thought it was. People reacted with what I can only call ‘shock and awe’. Asking things like:

  1. Is that pus?
  2. How old is that?
  3. OMG what is that?
  4. Did you send that to environmental health?
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I’ll admit, this is not attractive.

I explained it was processed cheese inside a mini hot dog, nobody seemed impressed. I was impressed though. So what did they taste like? They tasted like tinned hot dogs with bits of processed cheese slice inside. What’s not to like? Obviously this is something I liked, that is despite the weird colour. So I would imagine that these sausages are:

Good for:

  • Increasing your chances of colon cancer
  • Taking photos off and freaking out your work mates
  • Making your standard hotdog a bit different

Bad for:

  • Everything else.
  • Long term health prospects

This fine product from ‘Henryk Kania’ is exported to to the UK for sale to cheese infused mini hotdog craving Polish expats and weird bastards like me. It’s available from big assed Tesco shops that have chilled Polish stuff and probably from Polish Supermarkets in dodgy provincial towns like Glengormly and Coleraine.

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Weird looking.

6/10 Would smuggle into the house again.

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