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The custard cream is the most durable hard working biscuit in the history of biscuits. Who doesn’t like a custard cream? A Bastard, that’s who. You show me somebody who doesn’t like a custard cream and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t know a good biscuit (or someone who takes personal health seriously, one of the two). I’m a long time fan of the ‘cream, it is a very versatile biscuit. It’s good on it’s own, it’s good with tea, it’s good with coffee, it’s not over powering, pretentious, offensive or obscene. There’s no need for fancy wrappers or promotions, when was the last time you saw an advert on telly for Custard Creams? No needed, not like Foxes and their range of ‘biscuits of the future’ It’s an all round timeless, faultless biscuit. Fact.

The amazing thing you can do with a custard cream, and you’ve all done it, don’t try and deny it, is to pick out the custard cream filling (using either a piece of cutlery or a dirty finger nail) and enjoy that processed crud on it’s own. One of my favourite things to eat when I was a teenager was a custard cream sandwich. Get two slices of white toast, layer it with custard creams and get tore in. Some people might think that’s a bit weird or gross, but to hell with them. Having the biscuit bit in the sandwich wasn’t ideal, but who had time to pick out all that filling and put it on toast? This was back in the late 80’s and I was busy playing Dungeons and Dragons computer games and listening to Man-o-war. There wasn’t time to dissect a whole packet of yellow pack custard creams, and like hell anybody else was going to do it for me.

Thankfully though I wasn’t the only nutjob fantasising about vats of processed sugary custard cream flavoured goo because the good people at Tesco have come up with this:

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I hope it’s never discontinued. Ever.

It is heaven in a jar. It is custard cream filling. In a jar. IN A JAR. And it is versatile. Here’s some of the uses of this fine product:

  1. Eat it out the jar using a spoon like the animal you are. In a pinch you could even use a finger.
  2. Get two Digestives, Rich Tea, Penguins (could get messy) or any combination of biscuit and work away. You can’t fail here. Cream in the middle and then bam!
  3. Two wholemeal crackers. It’s like a healthy custard cream, practically one of your five a day. Crackers. Yep, get two Tuc crackers and fill the middle with Custard Cream, now you have a savoury custard cream. Want to gross it up? – Use a pre-made Tuc sandwich! You get the strange creamy cheese bit, your own custard cream bit and another Tuc on top. Three layers of Tuc, one of cheese and one of custard cream.
  4. Put it on bread. Not very exciting, but it is good. Very good.
  5. The jar says something about waffles. Probably not the Birds Eye ones from Iceland. Although I bet that would be alright.
  6. Do what you want with it. It’s that good.
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Between an oatmeal cracker and a Tuc Sandwich? – It’s impossible to make Custard Cream Spread gross.

Oh and there is a Bourbon one too. I intend to mix them together as soon as I get the house to myself.

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