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Posts Tagged ‘food’

Five or Six years ago I was lucky enough to visit THE GREAT STATE OF TEXAS, one of the most amazing sights I saw there, aside from people wearing actual ten gallon hats and seeing steaks the size of a small child was being able to buy turkey sausages with bits of cheese inside. Seriously, that was a thing. It was also a thing I had to buy. Vicky put up a spirited fight, but there was no way I was going to let such a gastronomic wonder pass me by, it’s not like anywhere else on the planet is going to permit such a pairing of processed meat and processed dairy? Right? Wrong.

This is what the Turkey and Cheese Sausages looked like:

What a time to be alive!  Cheese?  In a Turkey sausage?

What a time to be alive! Cheese? In a Turkey sausage?

One of my friends even commented that “they where almost sick in their mouth” upon seeing this delight.

Six years later, back in the UK, I had given up all hope of ever finding such a travesty of processed animal by-product. But then I spotted these in the Polish section of Tesco. Costing a quid, this product is labelled as ‘best quality’ and if it says that on the label then this homogenised smoked cooked pork sausage with cheese and added soya protein must obviously be of best quality. Well the 77% pork leg must be anyway.

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My cookery teacher, a horrible shrew of a woman who did very little teaching and an awful lot of talking to other teachers, once screamed “The first taste is with the eyes now put that masher down you little shit, you’ll never amount to anything” and upon looking this shit my first thought was that this reminds me of what a human brain looks like. It’s a similar colour and what I imagine to be a similar texture. But I’ve never been one to shy away from a horrible colour or vile texture. I’m all set to tuck in.

I cut one in half and took a picture, the next day I took this picture into work and showed it to people, I asked my work colleagues what they thought it was. People reacted with what I can only call ‘shock and awe’. Asking things like:

  1. Is that pus?
  2. How old is that?
  3. OMG what is that?
  4. Did you send that to environmental health?
DSC_0225

I’ll admit, this is not attractive.

I explained it was processed cheese inside a mini hot dog, nobody seemed impressed. I was impressed though. So what did they taste like? They tasted like tinned hot dogs with bits of processed cheese slice inside. What’s not to like? Obviously this is something I liked, that is despite the weird colour. So I would imagine that these sausages are:

Good for:

  • Increasing your chances of colon cancer
  • Taking photos off and freaking out your work mates
  • Making your standard hotdog a bit different

Bad for:

  • Everything else.
  • Long term health prospects

This fine product from ‘Henryk Kania’ is exported to to the UK for sale to cheese infused mini hotdog craving Polish expats and weird bastards like me. It’s available from big assed Tesco shops that have chilled Polish stuff and probably from Polish Supermarkets in dodgy provincial towns like Glengormly and Coleraine.

DSC_0223

Weird looking.

6/10 Would smuggle into the house again.

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At last! Processed chocolate dairy slices, in the format of a processed cheese slice. Who hasn’t dreamt of this magical coupling? Most people probably. Thankfully the good people at Tesco share my dream and came up with this:

Boke, Foul, Hell - Facebook people.

Boke, Foul, Hell – Facebook people.

I posted a picture of this on facebook and the responses where not great, the public it seems, are not impressed; “Looks, and sounds rank”, “I think I just puked in my mouth” and so on. Not a great start.

The most important question, and one the people at Tesco Research and Development probably didn’t ask was “What are you supposed to do with this?” My pal Catface suggested “ruining a good burger”.  And aside from that I was struggling to think of a use.

So what is this shit?

According to the back of the packet, it’s a ‘Processed chocolate dairy slice made with a blend of chocolate, milk proteins and vegetable oil’ – So there’s no cheese, but there is vegetable oil, so it could potentially count towards your five, sorry 7, a day.

And it tastes like?

Chocolate milk shake. Fact. These things are brilliant, absolutely brilliant. To all the naysayers I say; “You’re missing out!” This is a fantastic product, and one the world has needed. More things need to come in processed cheese style format. Banoffee, Southern Fried Chicken, Eggs Benedict etc.

And what disguising ideas have I got for this?

Since biscuits have been banned by the other half I’m struggling, I’ve had to improvise with things like Rice Cakes, which taste like dry cardboard. Unwrap one of these fellas and slap it on a rice cake! Marginal improvement. Well I paid for them so I better use them. Apart from that I can’t think of any other use for this by product of the Tesco Chemical Engineering department. It would be rubbish on toast because jars of chocolate spread are so much more awesome.

It's hard to make a rice cake tasty or look good.  Best I could do.

It’s hard to make a rice cake tasty or look good. Best I could do.

 

Will this be bought again? – If I can think of any other uses for it then yes.  But in the meantime I’ll sit on the couch unwrapping the remaining 6 slices and shoveling them in.  It’s good, but processed chocolate can be done so much better.

 

And…

1.  Catface plays in No Matter.  They’re good: http://www.nomatterband.com/

2. I got a bottle of Algerian Sarsaparilla.

3. Level 49 in Skrim – Sniff that!

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If you’ve seen this blog before then you might know that I have a bit of a weakness for odd things in tins. On a recent browse of the old Home Bargains shelves I found something that really made me think twice.

 

I had to sneak these into the house and then hide them in the back of the cupboard, for fear that Vicky might bar me from entering the house with my canned treat or worse, find my prized tin and chuck it in the bin. I then had to wait until I had the house to myself to sample the delights within. My cunning rouge was rumbled though and the tin was found. I was allowed to keep it though as long as the following happened:

If this product is too disgusting for even me to get through I am not to throw it in the kitchen waste recycling bin. I am to place it in a biodegradable bag and take it straight out to the garden waste bin.

So, day off, waiting for the plumber to come and service the boiler (not a euphemism) and there’s no better time for my left over pigs organs. Rip open the tin and dump that gross slop into the pot. There’s that gross sucking noise you get when something cheap and unpleasant eventually splats out of a tin and then there’s the thump as the slop hits the pan. That’s the moment of regret right there. As the contents heat a smell starts to waft through the kitchen. I’ve smelt this odour before, it’s the zoo. It’s the monkey house to be exact. This is not pleasant. I don’t think it’s going to get any better….

Taste wise it’s the fatty greasy gravy that has the upper hand, that’s probably a good thing. The kidneys themselves are sliced nice and thin so there’s no danger of an unpleasantly strong piece of kidney, it’s all swamped by the gravy. Thankfully it’s only a small tin. I struggle through, one piss smelling piece of slaughterhouse leftovers at a time.

The odd thing is that this is not the worst thing I’ve found in a tin. That title still belongs to the mini burgers in onion gravy, where leftover bits of kidney where probably the better cuts of meat.

Pork Kidneys in gravy makes the never buy again list.

Next day I came downstairs and could still smell that rancid piss odour.

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Crap in a can.

Crap in a can.

I’ll not lie to you, this was unappealing from the off. Mini burgers, in onion gravy, in a can. What’s to like? Should a burger EVER be in a can? Something tells me no. But, like an Aftershock at 1am after a full days drinking you know it’s a bad idea and won’t end well, but you still buy it. Well that’s what I was thinking as I picked this from the shelf at B&M. How do you serve something like this? On the cover of the can they where in a wee bowl and that’s what I opted for. I opened the can and popped them out, gross bit number one. The gravy had the consistency of snot and the burgers looked more like some kind of dog treat. I checked the can to make sure this was fit for human consumption. It was. After a bit of heating I tucked in. The ‘mini burgers’ looked like reformed pork chops but at least they where burger coloured, sorta, they even had fake grilling lines on them, believe this was not a good look.  They actually looked worse than you see on the can.  The texture and taste could be described as cheap alternative to a Campbells meat ball, more like a Tesco value meatball. If you’ve forgotten what’s like (since most normal people stopped eating meat balls at 8 years old) then imaging soft gooey reformed processed slop. As vile as it sounds. The gravy didn’t taste like any gravy I know, it was thick ad gooey, like snot during a bad cold. The burgers tasted nothing like a burger. Again I rechecked the packaging for signs of dog food, but this was tragically still people food. I suffered the lot.  I struggled, it was hard work.  It was gross.

Later I went to the gym, this was unpleasant. My body was trying to sweat, but couldn’t. And I knew why. My pores where clogged with fake onion gravy. I could feel it. The gravy was trying to escape via the sweat pores in my skin. I didn’t think it was medically possible for a man to sweat cheap canned gravy, but I was. It was a horrible feeling. A horrible end to a horrible canned food experience.

Have I learnt from this? Oh no. There’s more gross stuff hidden at the back of the cupboard…

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I demand a Kit Kat.

I’m fed up with it. Fed up with going to the sweetie isle and seeing the same shit. I bored of Mars bars and Starbars and plain old Kit Kats. I want one of the them cool as fuck odd ball Japanese Kit Kats. The Sweet Potato or Banana or whatever.

So since my mate in Japan, Jar has failed to deliver on the promised wacky Kit Kat and I can’t afford to go to Japan I thought it was time for action, soI emailed Nestle. You would think with all the bad publicity they get they would be happy to help a potential happy customer out. I thought this was how supply and demand worked. I demand, they supply, I give money and they make profit and then skin a baby deer and drink the blood (or whatever the board of Nestle do). Here was a chance for Nestle to make amends for all the Monty Burns-esque evil deeds they get up too, you know the demanding all that money from Ethiopia during the 2002 famine (they eventually dropped the claim good on em – that‘s nice). Then there was the promotion of their Infant Formula over breast milk around the world which resulted in the (still going) Nestle Boycott. I’d have a crack at boycotting a huge multi-national corporation like that, but have a look at all the brands they own, it would be very difficult and you would be ruling out a lot of cool stuff. It’s difficult to dodge multi-nationals, they’re all guilty of something, if you can‘t beat em‘ join em and all that. Oh and there’s the E-coli, the horse meat, the palm oil, the wrecking of monkey houses, the price fixing and who can forget that bloke saying water as a basic human right was a bit ‘extreme‘. Seriously, does this company influence Monty Burns or does he influence them? What a bunch of shits!

But here’s me, holding out the olive branch and looking to make friends with the evil multinational. All I want is a Soy Sauce Kit Kat. I’m not even keen on Soy Sauce but I like the idea of a Soy Sauce Kit-Kat. I’ll even pay for it, and more importantly; I’ll tell everybody that Nestle are DEAD ON THESE DAYS. So I emailed Nestle, not demanding, just asking, politely, for a few of the more interesting product lines to be made available, here was the reply I got back:

“Unfortunately we do not sell every flavour of Kit Kat here in the UK. We do a lot of research into our brands and have found that consumers’ tastes vary a great deal between different countries and cultures.

The Kit Kat team are constantly reviewing the range of flavours we offer in the UK and this includes looking at what is available in other markets. Our recent Choose a Chunky Champion promotion invited consumers to try mint, fudge, coconut and hazelnut and vote for their favourite flavour. The mint flavour won so it will become a permanent line. Peanut Butter became a permanent line following the promotion the year before.

I can assure you that your comments have been noted and will be highlighted to the Kit Kat team ready for future development meetings.

PEANUT BUTTER? MINT? There is FUCK ALL exciting or even interesting about those flavours. I’m 37, I’ve been having those flavours for donkeys years. Aero – mint. Fry’s cream – mint and those have been going for years. Even my mum is bored with mint flavoured things and she’s old as the hills! Come on Nestle, pull the finger out, I bet I’m not the only wack-job in Europe looking for a bit more action in the Kit Kat department. Even Tayto Ireland have cobbled together a chocolate and cheese and onion crisp bar. Do you want to be out done by the confectionary version of a drunk student with limited cooking skills? No, of course not, sack the marketing department, give a product development a slap and lets have some White chocolate Espresso Kit Kats available down the Spar. I bet Rowntree’s would have. Okay maybe they wouldn’t, even dark chocolate was outlandish at Rowntrees.

Here’s a picture of some cool Kit Kat shit:

This is better than mint for many reasons.

This is better than mint for many reasons.

 

I'd pick this over a Wholenut Dairymilk any day.

I’d pick this over a Wholenut Dairymilk any day.

 

And here:

http://lolsnaps.com/news/23014/0/

and

http://lolsnaps.com/news/22398/0/

 

 

Admit it, your interested.

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Back to the Polish Section!

No idea what this says on the packaging, but I know an odd looking European choccy bar when I see one. I’m bagging this. So this is the Maciek. I’ve bought three of the buggers, The Maciek Mleczny, Maciek Adwokat and Maciek Toffi. Well they where on offer in Tesco so it would be rude not too. I can take a guess what the toffi one is, but the other two has me a bit stumped. Only one way to find out what’s in these non Mars/Cadburys badboys…

The Mleczny – Inside the unusual tasting chocolate which reminds me of cheap Easter eggs is a thick sticky goo of a filling. Not an unpleasant taste, but the filling is causing a bit of a sensitivity issue on what’s left of my teeth. That’s a good sign. But what is this Mleczny stuff? Well, it turns out it’s fudge. It’s pretty obvious what the toffi is, and this is not too different in texture and taste the fudge variety. Unlike the Adwokat…. I’m looking at the Polish package and thinking ’there is no way Adwokat is what I think it might be, there is no way Adwokat is Advocaat‘. Surly not even the Poles would put the odd ball egg based alcoholic drink into a chocolate bar as a filling? Oh wait they would. Yes, an alcoholic egg based liquor based filling. And I’ll tell you what it’s not half bad. In fact this odd ball bar is my favourite of the three. Next time this is on offer on Tesco at 4 for £1 I’ll be grabbing all Adwokat.

These Maciek are all cooked up by the Wawel corporation and I’ve just spent a good while on their website, and they are fucking candy kings of Poland. I may be demanding a holiday in Poland, or at the very least hitting the Polish Supermarket to see what else I can find.

For more mature, technical and grammatically correct read about Polich sweeties look at this blog:

http://sweetnpole.wordpress.com/

In other news, this website has not been updated in a nearly a year, but it’s a really good read and I love it.
http://www.barelyedible.co.uk/

I’ve also been looking at the things people search for on Goggle that then brings them to my blog; here’s my laugh a minute favourites:

“call centre staff treated like shit”
“science home work GCSE for free”
“the sweet shop where the staff are crap”
“fucking polish mild”

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