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For years the Japanese (despite losing the Second World War) have enjoyed various different flavours of Kit-Kat while we here in the UK, where the damn thing was invented, have struggled on with the ‘entry level’ milk chocolate variety, oh of course we get the odd limited edition dark chocolate or orange chocolate variety, but those Kit-Kat Krazy Japanese dudes get to swan around tucking into all sorts of exotic, fun and downright vile flavours of Kit-Kat.

Why these varieties have never been officially been released to the UK public is beyond me, hell, I’ve even written to Nestle, (they bought Rowntree back in the 80’s corperate take over and merger fans) to demand answers! Of course they tried to fob me off with the ‘ahhh you get orange now and again, now piss off” response.

So I’ve been sitting in Belfast, on the internet, looking at pictures of Japanese Kit-Kats and dreaming about crème brulee and Lemon Cheesecake Kit-Kats while wasting my life and then bam! My mate Jar (who teaches in Japan) comes back home at Christmas and hits me up with this:

IMG_20170217_225226_705.jpg

A Melon, thats right, fucking Melon, flavoured Kit-Kat. I save this for a suitable date. A half day at work on a wet miserable February afternoon, no finer time. I’m getting me some of this.

First difference between this and a boring old european Kit-Kat, is the packaging. We get that little foil bag that you rip, while this comes in a beautiful cardboard box. I still miss the tin foil and paper sleeve, very satisfying ripping that. Anyway, inside the box is three individual foil packets and on opening each packet you are presented with two fingers of Kit-Kat. So that means six fingers per pack! Now, before anybody starts screaming “With Brexit we can take back control of our Kit-Kats and get six fingers in a packet!” You need to be made aware that the fingers are much smaller. Which is kinda odd. But I can dig it. They still look like Kit-Kat fingers.

dsc_0770

Needs banana for scale.

As you can see this melon Kit-Kat is, well, slightly yellow. It looks like a white chocolate Kit-Kat (ahhh limited edition ahhh). It feels like a Kit-Kat, has the consistency and texture of a Kit-kat but tastes like…. A fickin’ melon! It’s damn melon. This is awesome, this is ridiculous, this is brilliant, it’s a melon with a consistency of chocolate, and regular wafer too of course. This is fantastic, we are missing out. Write to your MP! Take to the streets! Protest at Nestle! Demand more interesting Kit-Kats. With Trump, Brexit, Russian hackers (alledged), Sexy North Korean Assassinesses and the ongoing threat of nuclear annihilation you deserve a Brown Suger flavoured Kit-Kat.  I honestly can’t get over how great this is, lucky for me I’ve got a Green Tea one hidden in the kitchen for the next shitty afternoon I’m off work.

Oh yes and…

  • Kit-Kats hit Japan in 1973
  • Most popular ‘wacky’ flavour is Soy Sauce. Soy Sauce. Let that sink in, Soy Fucking Sauce.
  • Kit Kat kinda a little bit translates to “you will surley win” in Japanese.
  • There have been over 300 limited edition Kit-Kat variates in Japan.

This is my mate Jar’s website: https://ikimasho.net/

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I demand a Kit Kat.

I’m fed up with it. Fed up with going to the sweetie isle and seeing the same shit. I bored of Mars bars and Starbars and plain old Kit Kats. I want one of the them cool as fuck odd ball Japanese Kit Kats. The Sweet Potato or Banana or whatever.

So since my mate in Japan, Jar has failed to deliver on the promised wacky Kit Kat and I can’t afford to go to Japan I thought it was time for action, soI emailed Nestle. You would think with all the bad publicity they get they would be happy to help a potential happy customer out. I thought this was how supply and demand worked. I demand, they supply, I give money and they make profit and then skin a baby deer and drink the blood (or whatever the board of Nestle do). Here was a chance for Nestle to make amends for all the Monty Burns-esque evil deeds they get up too, you know the demanding all that money from Ethiopia during the 2002 famine (they eventually dropped the claim good on em – that‘s nice). Then there was the promotion of their Infant Formula over breast milk around the world which resulted in the (still going) Nestle Boycott. I’d have a crack at boycotting a huge multi-national corporation like that, but have a look at all the brands they own, it would be very difficult and you would be ruling out a lot of cool stuff. It’s difficult to dodge multi-nationals, they’re all guilty of something, if you can‘t beat em‘ join em and all that. Oh and there’s the E-coli, the horse meat, the palm oil, the wrecking of monkey houses, the price fixing and who can forget that bloke saying water as a basic human right was a bit ‘extreme‘. Seriously, does this company influence Monty Burns or does he influence them? What a bunch of shits!

But here’s me, holding out the olive branch and looking to make friends with the evil multinational. All I want is a Soy Sauce Kit Kat. I’m not even keen on Soy Sauce but I like the idea of a Soy Sauce Kit-Kat. I’ll even pay for it, and more importantly; I’ll tell everybody that Nestle are DEAD ON THESE DAYS. So I emailed Nestle, not demanding, just asking, politely, for a few of the more interesting product lines to be made available, here was the reply I got back:

“Unfortunately we do not sell every flavour of Kit Kat here in the UK. We do a lot of research into our brands and have found that consumers’ tastes vary a great deal between different countries and cultures.

The Kit Kat team are constantly reviewing the range of flavours we offer in the UK and this includes looking at what is available in other markets. Our recent Choose a Chunky Champion promotion invited consumers to try mint, fudge, coconut and hazelnut and vote for their favourite flavour. The mint flavour won so it will become a permanent line. Peanut Butter became a permanent line following the promotion the year before.

I can assure you that your comments have been noted and will be highlighted to the Kit Kat team ready for future development meetings.

PEANUT BUTTER? MINT? There is FUCK ALL exciting or even interesting about those flavours. I’m 37, I’ve been having those flavours for donkeys years. Aero – mint. Fry’s cream – mint and those have been going for years. Even my mum is bored with mint flavoured things and she’s old as the hills! Come on Nestle, pull the finger out, I bet I’m not the only wack-job in Europe looking for a bit more action in the Kit Kat department. Even Tayto Ireland have cobbled together a chocolate and cheese and onion crisp bar. Do you want to be out done by the confectionary version of a drunk student with limited cooking skills? No, of course not, sack the marketing department, give a product development a slap and lets have some White chocolate Espresso Kit Kats available down the Spar. I bet Rowntree’s would have. Okay maybe they wouldn’t, even dark chocolate was outlandish at Rowntrees.

Here’s a picture of some cool Kit Kat shit:

This is better than mint for many reasons.

This is better than mint for many reasons.

 

I'd pick this over a Wholenut Dairymilk any day.

I’d pick this over a Wholenut Dairymilk any day.

 

And here:

http://lolsnaps.com/news/23014/0/

and

http://lolsnaps.com/news/22398/0/

 

 

Admit it, your interested.

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