Posts Tagged ‘tinned food’

If you’ve seen this blog before then you might know that I have a bit of a weakness for odd things in tins. On a recent browse of the old Home Bargains shelves I found something that really made me think twice.


I had to sneak these into the house and then hide them in the back of the cupboard, for fear that Vicky might bar me from entering the house with my canned treat or worse, find my prized tin and chuck it in the bin. I then had to wait until I had the house to myself to sample the delights within. My cunning rouge was rumbled though and the tin was found. I was allowed to keep it though as long as the following happened:

If this product is too disgusting for even me to get through I am not to throw it in the kitchen waste recycling bin. I am to place it in a biodegradable bag and take it straight out to the garden waste bin.

So, day off, waiting for the plumber to come and service the boiler (not a euphemism) and there’s no better time for my left over pigs organs. Rip open the tin and dump that gross slop into the pot. There’s that gross sucking noise you get when something cheap and unpleasant eventually splats out of a tin and then there’s the thump as the slop hits the pan. That’s the moment of regret right there. As the contents heat a smell starts to waft through the kitchen. I’ve smelt this odour before, it’s the zoo. It’s the monkey house to be exact. This is not pleasant. I don’t think it’s going to get any better….

Taste wise it’s the fatty greasy gravy that has the upper hand, that’s probably a good thing. The kidneys themselves are sliced nice and thin so there’s no danger of an unpleasantly strong piece of kidney, it’s all swamped by the gravy. Thankfully it’s only a small tin. I struggle through, one piss smelling piece of slaughterhouse leftovers at a time.

The odd thing is that this is not the worst thing I’ve found in a tin. That title still belongs to the mini burgers in onion gravy, where leftover bits of kidney where probably the better cuts of meat.

Pork Kidneys in gravy makes the never buy again list.

Next day I came downstairs and could still smell that rancid piss odour.


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Crap in a can.

Crap in a can.

I’ll not lie to you, this was unappealing from the off. Mini burgers, in onion gravy, in a can. What’s to like? Should a burger EVER be in a can? Something tells me no. But, like an Aftershock at 1am after a full days drinking you know it’s a bad idea and won’t end well, but you still buy it. Well that’s what I was thinking as I picked this from the shelf at B&M. How do you serve something like this? On the cover of the can they where in a wee bowl and that’s what I opted for. I opened the can and popped them out, gross bit number one. The gravy had the consistency of snot and the burgers looked more like some kind of dog treat. I checked the can to make sure this was fit for human consumption. It was. After a bit of heating I tucked in. The ‘mini burgers’ looked like reformed pork chops but at least they where burger coloured, sorta, they even had fake grilling lines on them, believe this was not a good look.  They actually looked worse than you see on the can.  The texture and taste could be described as cheap alternative to a Campbells meat ball, more like a Tesco value meatball. If you’ve forgotten what’s like (since most normal people stopped eating meat balls at 8 years old) then imaging soft gooey reformed processed slop. As vile as it sounds. The gravy didn’t taste like any gravy I know, it was thick ad gooey, like snot during a bad cold. The burgers tasted nothing like a burger. Again I rechecked the packaging for signs of dog food, but this was tragically still people food. I suffered the lot.  I struggled, it was hard work.  It was gross.

Later I went to the gym, this was unpleasant. My body was trying to sweat, but couldn’t. And I knew why. My pores where clogged with fake onion gravy. I could feel it. The gravy was trying to escape via the sweat pores in my skin. I didn’t think it was medically possible for a man to sweat cheap canned gravy, but I was. It was a horrible feeling. A horrible end to a horrible canned food experience.

Have I learnt from this? Oh no. There’s more gross stuff hidden at the back of the cupboard…

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